Happy Birthday Mama

 I wrote this 3 months after she passed away...

It used to be everyday that my problems get bigger and harder to cope, that's when mama came in to help and solve them out for me. Being alone suddenly makes me realize how hard it is to be by myself, independently and still stuck in grief while having problems of keeping up in studies.

However difficult it was, there is something that always keeps me on the right track. Mama is always known for her true strength fighting against cancer. Although she is gone now but her strength stayed till the end and that made me a little stronger to cope living alone and most importantly without her realizing that she was the most precious friend, teacher, mother and everything in the world that she could be.

I still shed some tears everyday not showing to everyone around me while hoping that I could still meet her in my dreams, being tucked in before sleep and being kissed while sleeping. I miss all that now. The smallest things always bring back the memories of her. I remembered when I first came to Kulim this month, I opened the wardrobe and cried hysterically. Her clothes that she used to often wear to work were still there, clean and ready for her next wear. I kept imagining her in her working clothes, got back from work and brought some food home. It'd usually be chicken rice.

I am still strong. Like others say, life has to go on even without someone we love. I have to admit, losing a mother is very painful especially when your sweet 16 is coming by. How I wish that she is there to sing me a birthday song and bake me a cake like she did last year. How I wish that I can still taste her cooking and hug her tightly just like a child and be pampered in her arms again. How I wish that she is still around to chat with me and tell me how her life is.. And how I miss her calls and messages that she'd usually send me that would always end with 'I love you' and 'I miss you'.

How I wish I won't cry while writing this, sadly I did and I'm just sharing my thoughts..

 and this on Mother's day 3 years ago...

"Been thinking of writing something about Mothers Day lately. Due to some 'technical problems', this note was unexpectedly delayed until tonight. Better late than never!" 
—One school-day morning, I woke up and sat on the side of the bed. I couldn't open my eyes! Suddenly a thought flew by my mind, it was a very vivid thought (which i will reveal later on). After a while, the thought made me feel completely refreshed! Straight I went to the bathroom to prepare myself for the big day. So what was the thought like? As you have expected, it was the thought of Mama. Mama was a very restless woman when she had her chemo and radio but she would never abandon her responsibilities no matter in what condition she was in. I remember the sounds that she would make at 4 a.m. in the morning, she was cleaning up the kitchen counters and washing the dishes. I also remembered the times she knocked on my door and shouted "Apit, wake up! It's already 6:45 a.m!", then I would run to the door and go straight to the bathroom. After getting cleaned up, the smell of half-boiled eggs completely dissolved in the morning fresh air. When it was time for me to leave for school (I used to cycle to school), she ran to her bedroom and waved me goodbye from the bedroom window. Hah! Good times, good times. To think that Mama was committed to to her family and her job gave me strength and spirit to get through the day. So Mothers Day arrived and left. Although it was completely different, deep inside I know my sisters and I celebrated it (and got through it) with joy and strength. Mama will never be forgotten, not now, not ever. So, Happy Mother's Day I bid to my once brave and strong Mama, we love you always and forever!

I really can't believe it. It has been 4 years not being able to celebrate the birthday of the most important person in my life. It feels like forever. Today in 1962, a strong-willed, loving, caring and responsible woman was born. She was more than a woman. She was a fighter. She was born a loving mother, a chef, a teacher, a doctor and everything in between. She was everything a husband, a son or a daughter could wish for. She was perfect. She fought for her family just to see them for another day. She fought with all her strength.

Living without her each and everyday is a struggle. I miss her wonderful cooking. I miss her words of wisdom. I miss her love and care that nobody could try to simulate. I miss her face and above all, her smile. Sometimes I wonder, God, why have you taken such a wonderful person from my life? Have I done something wrong to deserve this? She was here yesterday. Until today, her absence has taught me a lot of things. 

I remember mama very vividly. She was very hardworking. She could go to work at 7 am and come home at 1 am the next day. During her work time, she never failed to pay close attention to her responsibility. At lunch time, she would come home with some food. On school days, she would send me to school. From what I observed, Mama paid close attention on my education. She would be the first one to react to my results. She would be the first one to feel very happy and proud even if I was making a little progress.

Even when I didn't achieve straight A's, she would still tell me she's proud of me and tell me that I've done better than last time and I should keep it up. Now that she's gone, it's harder to feel motivated with what I do. Sometimes, I just need to hear her voice again saying those words of comfort. I would do anything for that now. Somehow, I just have to realize that it's not possible. I wish I could see it coming, I would've spent more quality time with her and shown her more appreciation. 

I miss you so much. Every step that I take everyday reminds me of that empty hole inside my soul. That empty hole is your absence. Somehow, I know that you are still living in my heart. Sometimes, I get dreams of you. The best dream that I had of you was last year. You were there. You were literally there. I could almost feel you beside me. You asked me, "I'm always here for you, why are you worrying so much?" When I get those dreams of you, I could feel that empty hole being filled up again. When I wake up, the empty hole is still there. It will be there for the rest of my life.

You told me that one day you're gonna cook for me when you get better.. but I'm still waiting. I miss you so much. Happy 50th Birthday Mama. I love you and I miss you today, everyday, every second of my life and with every breath that I take. Thanks for being there for me, thanks for raising me up perfectly. You are always in our hearts.

Eternally. Al-Fatihah.

Have you ever felt like...

Just a few years ago were the years of me growing up. Oh how fast. Now I'm 20. Not many guys would wanna share their thoughts with the public. I might be the game changer. ;) All I know is, I say things and express my feelings better when I write. At least people's comments would not be as direct as face to face comments that we usually get in real life. 

Well, what can I say? I was born an introvert with a need to express myself. Blogs might be the only medium I can channel my feelings to. The best thing about it is I can feel better about myself after posting a blog post. Such irony! What I really hope is that those important people who visit my blog would be able to understand what I feel as well as what I write. Life is too short to keep it to yourself, at least for me. So, why not!

Tonight's blog post is about "Have you ever felt like...". It's just a way of me trying to overcome my feelings when they become bitter and negative. I hope you guys can find something beneficial from my words too. Sometimes, we all just need something to hold on to. We just don't realize that all the strong men could be the weakest in the blink of an eye. As a human being, I know for sure everyone is hiding inside their tough shell. Vulnerable and insecure. They don't really know their tough shell could destroy what's inside. 

1. Have you ever felt misunderstood?

Yes I have. Countless of times. Most of the time, I was misunderstood for all the stupid reasons. To be frank, I have a hard time trying to explain myself when I was misunderstood. I have to deal with the hurt as well as defend myself. What a vulnerable way to solve the problem and better the situation! After a lot of trial and errors, I have found out that if people misunderstand you, you have every right to explain yourself to them so that they can understand your situation better. If they're still finding faults, they are trying to bring you down. The best thing to deal with people who are trying to bring you down is to shut up and prove them wrong, straight up!

2. Have you ever felt left behind?

Thanks to Cik Tin Solhi for being a "guest suggestor" behind this negative feeling that she claimed to be feeling a lot. Well who doesn't? I feel it all the time, especially when I had to say no to family reunions or hangouts with friends. What hurts the most is when these people post a lot of stuff up on the net, e.g. pictures and posed with such happiness embedded on their faces. So cruel. That's how you feel left behind. Let me tell you, it's easy to feel left behind. You need to know that God above has planned every single day of our lives. Sometimes, he isolated us from some crowds and some people for a reason. There's always a reason. Better things could happen. Don't feel sad because you missed something. Get over it and realize it's how God wanted it to be. ^_^

3. Have you ever felt rejected?

As a fresh junior designer with no qualification whatsoever, my job has been a bumpy ride for me in the last few months. The worst thing about my job is that it never runs out of REJECTIONS. Imagine designing a restaurant menu for days and ended up rejected. Imagine how it feels like when the client said, "The layout is too boring. Absolutely NO SELLING POINT," Yes, rejection can be tough. To be honest, all the rejections that I've received along with the hurtful comments have given me a lot of strength to continue and say WHATEVER when they keep on coming. The best thing about rejection is it teaches you how to do things more accurately and effectively the next time you do it. :)

So, yeah. Just a little something to fill in my blog. :) 3 things that I find very hard to deal with but then, what doesn't kill you makes you stronger, right? Keep that in mind, Shafeeq. Keep that in mind.

Back to reality

Hey there! First of all, I've skipped a few days of blogging (6 days to be exact), and I feel really bad solely because blogging as often as I could is my new year's resolution for 2012. Fear not, I'm making up for the 6 days I skipped and Tips and Tutorials Tuesday #2 should be written next week on Monday and #3 on the following Tuesday (of course).

Well well well, Chinese New Year is just around the corner and I'm so excited for the celebration and of course the 1 week holidays. Woohoo! My boss told me a day before new year. "Next month you'll be very lucky" and I was like Huh? and then he was like, "A lot of holidays maa! Of coz lucky,". Hehehe. I can say that I'm quite lucky for having a great Chinese boss and I know that this is 4 days early but I would like to wish all my Chinese and mixed Chinese friends and teachers, HAPPY CHINESE NEW YEAR! Hope you guys have a great celebration and happy holidays!

Well, what's the reason for not writing for the whole week? T_T First, I went to Langkawi. Second, I got back from Langkawi and literally grieved at work while remembering how my Langkawi trip was so awesome. Only  today that I could find some time to continue blogging. To be honest, I've been eating too much chocolates for the past few days. Thanks Langkawi for selling duty and tax free chocolates! They're so good. I've got myself some Reese's Pieces, Toblerone and Whittaker's Milk Caramel. And no thanks for stocking up ridiculous amount of fats in me. GRR.

Alhamdulillah for the safe flights to and from Langkawi. The trip was awesome and I really have too much to write. Maybe I'll write them soon when I have the mood and time. So I think that's all. :) Bai!

Langkawi, here we come!

Hey there! This will be a really really short post. I told myself not to write this tonight due to a lot of hassle, need to complete another design ASAP and pack for tomorrow's trip. We (my sisters and my bro) will be taking off as early as 7 a.m. from LCCT straight to Langkawi. I'm praying that everything will go smoothly. InsyaAllah. :) So, I'll continue blogging after getting back from Langkawi. See you! ^_^

11th page of 366

Let me greet you with a vain picture of me when I was 13 or 15. I forgot ^_^

Hey guys.. well, did you guys notice the trending topic on Twitter today? I saw 11th page of 366 and was actually wondering, what the hell was that! Actually, it's another way of saying it's the 11th day of the 366 days of 2012. So cool! Well, I'm not sure how it trended, might be from a book, a viral video, or something. Couldn't care less to google and research about it. ^_^ If any of you readers (if any) knows anything about it, please tell me.

Anyway, today was OK OK. Slept at 12 a.m. last night, to me it's quite "early" considering I sleep at 2 a.m. usually. Woke up at around 7 a.m. wanted to send my brother in law to the LRT station, suddenly my  pregnant sister woke up and decided to send him too. Such a surprise~ >_> Usually, she wouldn't want to wake up early due to her sleep loss. So, we sent him and ate some breakfast, roti canai, putu mayam (is that the right spelling?) and tosai. It felt really weird having a breakfast that early in the morning. Usually, I don't really eat breakfasts in the morning, maybe some roti ikan bilis or something very "light" would do and will eat some rice for lunch but today, I broke the rules and ate some fried glass noodle. Wooot! It was quite delicious but halfway through it got kinda boring.

I guess I'm a rice person. >_< So, after lunch got back to the office, completing some works and waited for my boss to fetch me up for some taiwanese desserts that I've never tried before in my life! Well, long story short, once or twice a month, he would bring me to eat some lunch at a restaurant nearby the office but this time, it's different. Yesterday, he asked me to work with some images of desserts for a restaurant I've never heard before. (The restaurant is called isenbin and our design company designed everything for them, the banner, the logo, everything i supposed) For some reason, the pictures made me salivate like crazy and I couldn't even tell myself to stop salivating. It looked very appetizing and delicious although I've never tried it before.

So, we got there and he parked illegally! LOL, I tried not to care too much about the parking but suddenly when we got inside of the cafe, there was a JPJ person giving out summons and guess what he did! He noticed but then buat derk saja. >_>" Dah kaya kott hehehe so it doesn't matter much to him. Thankfully, that JPJ guy didn't give out any summon for his car. Back to the story, so he ordered me the dessert and I was captivated! It tasted so good. Imagine it like the chinese version of the ABC except it wasn't that sweet. The sweetness came from the "tidbits" on top. You can choose from the bubbles in the bubble milk tea, grass jelly, those white and orange thingies called Oee, peanuts and much more. Such a harmonic combination to be honest!

You see those white and orange thingies, I somehow love them so much!

I ate one big bowl of it when it was actually meant for 2 person, my boss told me he's full. LOL! I ate till there's literally nothing in the bowl. Somehow, I felt like I ate too much of it and felt kinda nauseous UNTIL NOW. That feeling of nausea somehow never left. Weird case of food overload I guess. So, got back home and slept so long. I was only planning to sleep for an hour but somehow my body declined and I ended up sleeping for almost 3 hours. Such a bad habit. I can't do anything about it! The alarm was ringing and it was annoying so I dismissed it. Just like that >_>"

So, I think that's all for today. Will be doing some work after done blogging for today and skype with Tintin for a while. Goodnight everyone.

Tips & Tutorials Tuesday #1 : Weight loss!

My then and now.

Hola, guys! Friends and family who's reading the blog, thanks so much for the kickstart! I'm really hoping that people will somehow enjoy reading this blog in their own way and at their own pace. I know for sure blogs can be very boring and overwhelming to read sometimes! That's why I've come up with a few ways to make it all much more interesting for you guys. So, without further ado, I'd like to share some tips on how to achieve the most sought after new year's resolution! Fat loss! Now, who in their right chubby minds would not want to lose those "flabby patties", huh? *okay that sounds so wrong!*

To start off, let's realize how we got fat or chubby or 'berisi' or 'sihat' in the first place! What better way for me to explain it to you guys than by simply telling you how I got fat. Well, as you all know, I come from the northern part of Malaysia, or utara la kan if translate dalam bahasa Melayu kan. To be honest, I can only express so much love and affection for sweet, sour and salty food through words. Somehow, the northern part of Malaysia seems to be the perfect specialist for those food containing variety of flavours especially sweetness. *I realized that after moving to KL, the meals here are lacking tons of flavour, sambal pun dah tak manis and pedas, even 3 rasa pun macam 0 rasa!* I'm sure a lot of utara people would agree with me.

Okay, getting back to how I got fat, back when I was in my last year of high school, I was not really considered as "fat", I was in fact quite... hmm.. what's the word for it? Fatty-thin? Berisi? Maybe because I wasn't really eating that much (to save money) and I walked to school most of the time (really). After SPM, I had a hard time finding a job so I had to just sit at home and literally doing nothing (eat, online, sleep, rinse and repeat) for months! I gained a lot of weight and eventually became fat. Everyone started noticing my weight gain and everywhere I go there will always be these offensive words coming out of innocent family and friends, "Wow, apit semakin sihat no.." or "U've gotten bigger! Wowomgwtf!" to an extent where I faced major depression.

So, this so called depression has eventually turned into a driving motivation for me to completely rebuild myself from level 1! So, if you want to shed some pounds off of that body, there are 3 simple rules:

  • Eat healthy food! *i know this is so cliche but please, never take your diet lightly!*
  • Get off that butt and exercise! *no one will lose the flabbies eating nothing and sit around waiting for something to happen!*
  • Commitment *the hardest part of it all, but trust me, a little commitment goes a long way*

Let me start by saying that it's very easy to start dieting but it's damn hard to even start to do an exercise! The reason why I've progressed a lot was by realizing that no fat is gonna get burned until I move this ass off of this chair and guess what, it worked! I started doing super easy cardio (such as running, jogging, any activity that gets your heart rate so high!). I was really unfit to be honest. My first very easy cardio exercise that I did for 15 minutes was literally a near death experience. Fear not! When you do this repeatedly even if it's for 15- 20 minutes per day, your body will get used to it. Trust me! 

The biggest mistake that I've seen people made while dieting was eating so little. What the heck! Eating so little can only slow down your metabolism and is proven counter-productive. I suggest if you're embarking yourself on a weight loss journey, you should really study more on having a proper diet instead of starving yourself. Even body builders eat a lot everyday, especially eggs and chicken for protein! What you should do though, is eating less carbs and control the portion of your meals! The best way to start is to eat half from what you usually eat. *Yes, this means, makan nasik setengah! :D*  It might be hard dealing with temptations at first but set a goal to prevent yourself from any relapse *I think Ive had tons of relapses during my weight loss, LOL! takpa, asalkan sedaq and continue on the right path* 

Well, commitment is another thing that matters. Unfortunately, it's the hardest than the other two. I can say that I've failed a lot on committing to do my exercises and simply eat right but I guess I shouldn't worry too much. Once you've realized you're not committing, you should start paying a visit to the gym, saying hello to the treadmills and eat less, of course. Don't stress yourself too much. Be easy on yourself, give yourself some credit. There's nothing better than that feeling of accomplishing something that seemed out of reach. Guess what, it's all within your reach. You just need to start. :)

So I guess this TTT (Tips & Tutorial Tuesday) post can help you guys on a journey to a better looking body! If you have any question, please do not hesitate to ask. :) Life is short, so look your best.

This is me signing off.

A new year, a new blog!

Aloha, people! 

All men dream, but not equally. Those who dream by night in the dusty recesses of their minds, wake in the day to find that it was vanity: but the dreamers of the day are dangerous men, for they may act on their dreams with open eyes, to make them possible. - T.E. Lawrence

To be frank, I've had lots and lots of blogs pre-shafeeqiscool.blogspot.com and I know a lot of people have been feeling quite annoyed on the amount of blogs I've come up a few years back. *to be honest, I feel kinda annoyed too. LOL xD* OKOK! Let's try counting how many blogs I had before.. I think I had like 10! Oh crap.

Anyways, due to having the same new year's resolution as Tintin (which is in 2012, we should write a blog mainly to improve our english proficiency, fluency and et cetera! :D), I have also decided to come up with a blog of mine with an obviously vain name as the blog title. Well I'm not sure exactly why I have chosen shafeeqiscool, so let's put that topic to rest, OK? T_T

By the way, let me take this opportunity to wish all of you guys, my friends, my family, acquaintances, teachers, lecturers, lovers, ex-lovers, fans (if i have any) and cute little babies living within 1km radius from me at the moment, HAPPY NEW YEAR! May God bring you all a smile on your faces everyday, a lot of love to spread to those around you, a big sprinkle of success, longevity and prosperity. InsyaAllah.

As for me, 2012 is already looking very interesting! What's in store for me :D : A 3D2N trip to Langkawi, a heavenly island with awesome picturesque sceneries this weekend, a very cute little baby niece is on her way to cheer me up in March onwards, 9 days of fun in April to Perth, Australia paying a wonderful visit to my beloved cousins I haven't met in a very very long time.

Phew! Looks like a lot of things going on for me, not forgetting the new semester, new lecturers, new things to learn and new friends, hopefully! Praying that everything will turn out as planned. Living in Malaysia could be a little boring when you have a strong desire to live abroad, but I'm sure that my life will be occupied with great things this year and the thoughts of going to the overseas shall be put on hold for a little while.

I guess that's all for tonight! My writing skills are still rusty. Need to polish them off. What a good way to start! :)