I wrote this 3 months after she passed away...
It used to be everyday that my problems get bigger and harder to cope,
that's when mama came in to help and solve them out for me. Being alone
suddenly makes me realize how hard it is to be by myself, independently
and still stuck in grief while having problems of keeping up in studies.
However
difficult it was, there is something that always keeps me on the right
track. Mama is always known for her true strength fighting against
cancer. Although she is gone now but her strength stayed till the end
and that made me a little stronger to cope living alone and most
importantly without her realizing that she was the most precious friend,
teacher, mother and everything in the world that she could be.
I
still shed some tears everyday not showing to everyone around me while
hoping that I could still meet her in my dreams, being tucked in before
sleep and being kissed while sleeping. I miss all that now. The smallest
things always bring back the memories of her. I remembered when I first
came to Kulim this month, I opened the wardrobe and cried hysterically.
Her clothes that she used to often wear to work were still there, clean
and ready for her next wear. I kept imagining her in her working
clothes, got back from work and brought some food home. It'd usually be
chicken rice.
I am still strong. Like others say, life has to go
on even without someone we love. I have to admit, losing a mother is
very painful especially when your sweet 16 is coming by. How I wish that
she is there to sing me a birthday song and bake me a cake like she did
last year. How I wish that I can still taste her cooking and hug her
tightly just like a child and be pampered in her arms again. How I wish
that she is still around to chat with me and tell me how her life is..
And how I miss her calls and messages that she'd usually send me that
would always end with 'I love you' and 'I miss you'.
How I wish I won't cry while writing this, sadly I did and I'm just sharing my thoughts..
and this on Mother's day 3 years ago...
"Been thinking of writing something about Mothers Day
lately. Due to some 'technical problems', this note was unexpectedly
delayed until tonight. Better late than never!"
—One
school-day morning, I woke up and sat on the side of the bed. I
couldn't open my eyes! Suddenly a thought flew by my mind, it was a very
vivid thought (which i will reveal later on). After a while, the
thought made me feel completely refreshed! Straight I went to the
bathroom to prepare myself for the big day. So what was the thought
like? As you have expected, it was the thought of Mama. Mama was a very
restless woman when she had her chemo and radio but she would never
abandon her responsibilities no matter in what condition she was in. I
remember the sounds that she would make at 4 a.m. in the morning, she
was cleaning up the kitchen counters and washing the dishes. I also
remembered the times she knocked on my door and shouted "Apit, wake up!
It's already 6:45 a.m!", then I would run to the door and go straight to
the bathroom. After getting cleaned up, the smell of half-boiled eggs
completely dissolved in the morning fresh air. When it was time for me
to leave for school (I used to cycle to school), she ran to her bedroom
and waved me goodbye from the bedroom window. Hah! Good times, good
times. To think that Mama was committed to to her family and her job
gave me strength and spirit to get through the day. So Mothers Day
arrived and left. Although it was completely different, deep inside I
know my sisters and I celebrated it (and got through it) with joy and
strength. Mama will never be forgotten, not now, not ever. So, Happy Mother's Day I bid to my once brave and strong Mama, we love you always and forever!
I really can't believe it. It has been 4 years not being able to celebrate the birthday of the most important person in my life. It feels like forever. Today in 1962, a strong-willed, loving, caring and responsible woman was born. She was more than a woman. She was a fighter. She was born a loving mother, a chef, a teacher, a doctor and everything in between. She was everything a husband, a son or a daughter could wish for. She was perfect. She fought for her family just to see them for another day. She fought with all her strength.
Living without her each and everyday is a struggle. I miss her wonderful cooking. I miss her words of wisdom. I miss her love and care that nobody could try to simulate. I miss her face and above all, her smile. Sometimes I wonder, God, why have you taken such a wonderful person from my life? Have I done something wrong to deserve this? She was here yesterday. Until today, her absence has taught me a lot of things.
I remember mama very vividly. She was very hardworking. She could go to work at 7 am and come home at 1 am the next day. During her work time, she never failed to pay close attention to her responsibility. At lunch time, she would come home with some food. On school days, she would send me to school. From what I observed, Mama paid close attention on my education. She would be the first one to react to my results. She would be the first one to feel very happy and proud even if I was making a little progress.
Even when I didn't achieve straight A's, she would still tell me she's proud of me and tell me that I've done better than last time and I should keep it up. Now that she's gone, it's harder to feel motivated with what I do. Sometimes, I just need to hear her voice again saying those words of comfort. I would do anything for that now. Somehow, I just have to realize that it's not possible. I wish I could see it coming, I would've spent more quality time with her and shown her more appreciation.
I miss you so much. Every step that I take everyday reminds me of that empty hole inside my soul. That empty hole is your absence. Somehow, I know that you are still living in my heart. Sometimes, I get dreams of you. The best dream that I had of you was last year. You were there. You were literally there. I could almost feel you beside me. You asked me, "I'm always here for you, why are you worrying so much?" When I get those dreams of you, I could feel that empty hole being filled up again. When I wake up, the empty hole is still there. It will be there for the rest of my life.
You told me that one day you're gonna cook for me when you get better.. but I'm still waiting. I miss you so much. Happy 50th Birthday Mama. I love you and I miss you today, everyday, every second of my life and with every breath that I take. Thanks for being there for me, thanks for raising me up perfectly. You are always in our hearts.
Eternally. Al-Fatihah.
